should have

Let me go back to the day you took me to Bụi. The moment my eyes opened wide for the marvel in view. The moment I drowned in the atmosphere, the astonishment and the love. When I told you that no one has bothered to go to such lengths, for me. 

What I should have done is this. I should have grabbed you right then and there, and given you a big hug. I should have held you, and told you how much I appreciated you. Appreciate you. I should have just stood there, frozen in time, cherishing every second I had with you. I should have taken your hand and reassured you that I would always be present, that this friendship would never dissolve. So let me go back to let it be like that.

Now let me return to the day I recited my fascination towards another person. You just sat there and listened, stunned. A fool I was, I continued incessantly with my tale. I admit I saw the look on your face, I recognized your silence, but I abused our friendship and just went on and on.

How I should have acted, is this. I should have stopped. I should have just stopped. I should have ended the craze, and sat there with you to find the calm. I should have said sorry for having been thoughtless and carefree. I should have even grasped your shoulder, to steady the friend I just hurt. But I didn’t, did I?


Give me a chance to be there on the day we first hugged. When the crowd went wild and the world blurred. I wasn’t fast enough, and you took me by surprise. And there you said it, those three words that I fooled myself into having understood. And so I allowed myself to leave a wound on your chest, once more, by saying I love you too.

I could have done better. I could have said you were one of the most important people in my shrinking life. I could have told you a thousand times, that I love you so much, that I appreciate you so much, that I apologize for all the tension I caused. I could have hugged you tighter. Longer. I could have embraced your very soul. You. The person I learned to love, the good and the bad, for better or worse.


I say all of this, not because of my reminiscence of the past. I don’t want to change anything, because it would mean we wouldn’t be here now. But those are some of my fantasies when I close my eyes and listen to the sound of music. I find myself wondering, all the time, would you have felt more warmth and strength, if I had done all of those things correctly? Would you have been another person? Would you have had more joy, more fun, more love?


I swear, even if not on the river Styx, I’ll do everything in my power to be with you now. It’s not about compensating for what I did (or did not do), it never is. I just want you to really be happy, to enjoy whatever there is in life, and to be loved. I’ll love you all the way, to the moon and back. You know that. 

6/12/20

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