monday 15 février 2021
i got an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. i got no idea how to tell her, how to get everything across. i got absolutely no idea.
so let’s try to do this the easier way, by writing things down first. streams and streams of thoughts and they keep flowing out of my brain into my fingertips down at the keyboard onto the screen.
what you are seeing now is myself screaming, soundlessly, wanting to cry for help yet not knowing how. at least i am sane enough to seek help. some people are not so lucky, help reaches them when it’s already been too late. help help help someone send an effing ambulance.
here’s the deal: i am afraid. someone asked me WHAT i am scared of, the answer is i don’t know. everything and nothing. irrational and meaningless events like unanswered messages or the inability to do someone a favor. bigger, more realistic like the fear of having to talk in french about how my mind is messed up. sometimes i’m just afraid of living in general, afraid of responsibilities afraid of loving, of caring, of knowing. one thing leads to another. i’ve locked myself up in this hole i call a house for such a long time now, only brief encounters with people i trust enough. but i can’t go further than that, because i am afraid and i am tired.
jesus, how tired i must be. i’m weary of heart and weary of soul. i use to be a high-spirited girl, whose motivation alone could be her life force. now i hit rock bottom, again, because last time i ran and did not confront at my demons. last time was summer 2020. the time before that was 2018. my darkest moments, which i all survived. but i don’t think i can hang in there a lot longer, because the thing has taken root inside of me. if i don’t deal with it, then yes, it might die down a little, but it will always remain.
i don’t know what my problem is. if asked, i’d say i’m dissatisfied with my life. i’m angry because the virus killed my plans and hopes. because it boarded me up and does that still. because without it, i’d be at home by now. or i’d be with my boyfriend, my best friends, anyone. the people who would literally stay up all night if i ever asked them too – those who love me so very much.
i used to be so good at studying. my grades last year were unbeatable. this year, with all the online learning and the new subjects, i just realized how horrible this major is. i’m not one bit interested in what i’m learning, but i’m 100% stressed out about my grades. can someone send help? i recently found a way to rear the situation away from its initial course, but i find the new road long and exhausting.
i’ve got friends, but what does it matter? people like me, with these many thoughts, who would listen? that’s the problem, i do not force anyone to listen. and i only ever trust so many people to pour out my heart. so yes, i’m in a conflict right now. my idea of a “friend” is of such high standard that only few can meet. yet i complain about being completely alone.
you know what? i’ll have to admit. most of the time i don’t care, because i’m decent enough not to. but at times like this, everything hits my face directly and i can’t help but hate every single effing thing in the world. i hate how badly my home-cooked dinner tonight tasted. i hate the smell of my room. i hate the clothes i have. i hate the fact that my boyfriend left me alone and went to bed, tired may he be. i hate that i have to be so tough and forgiving all the time to everyone in the world. i hate how spontaneously generous i am. i hate that i’m poor to the core. i hate that no matter how hard i try, i’d never get the life of a princess. my hatred is strong, and it is towards everything and everyone in the world. deep down, i just detest everything.
you think my body doesn’t react? my brain drifts a thousand miles away when i’m in the presence of lots of people. i feel like the world was crumbling down on my head. stone on my chest, rope strangling me. i feel like i want to die half of the time. the other half, it feels like actually dying. rotting. degrading. disintegrating. dissolving. dying.
the best way to describe all of this, is to say i am disconnected from the whole world. from myself. from everything i know of. i feel like i exist outside of everything, not knowing what is what. where am i even at? what am i even doing? i’m afraid of everything, i hate everything, and i get bored of everything. when was the last time i feel this bad?
nevertheless, i still have a real appointment with my psy tomorrow. i don’t think i’ll tell her all of this. any of this. well, maybe some.
my life sucks. it sucks on an universal scale. it sucks more and more each day. that’s all i wanna tell my psy and everyone else. my life sucks.